lingering in my brain right now

dogs sleeping on the floor behind me. the kids (better be) in bed. the husband out of town for work. one child not doing his school work or home work, the other suspended for the week. hitting a person at school is not accepted. the insomnia is back along with the heartburn. the cat is someplace not sure where. college is going well, i need to apply myself more. do i look for a job or not? going to a lecture tomorrow and listen to the founders of t.a.p.s. looking forward to that. yesterday it was cold, tomorrow it is to be warm - welcome to st. louis. i am happy, i don't seem to be. but i am. i liked it when we had money in the savings account, now we have a very very small amount, i don't like that. i get motivated to play bejewelled but not much else. i like to knit and crochet, i am trying to be project monogamous though. frustrating when you have a lot on the needles and the hooks. the dogs are snoring, that's what i should be doing too. love you all, really. happy thoughts slowly creep back into my brain. now if the ringing in my ear would stop, it hasn't in 25 years, but really happy thoughts and a smile. time to stitch it all back together so my love will come home and my kids will like their mom. off to sleep, curl up under the covers and try to sleep. tomorrow make phone calls, get the daughters homework from the office, turn in the h1n1 vaccination forms for the kids, study for anthro midterm on wednesday. write a paper for polisci and hopefully practice the recorder for music class. no one came to my last crochet class, but had a great time that night at mary's house teaching her and two of her friends to knit. maybe i could sell stuff on ebay again and on etsy? stop playing games on the damn computer and make it so. why am i afraid of success? how can it be that i will really be 49 in february? can i still make a life? can i stop being afraid to write for publication? why does my own mother avoid me? oh well she's a little nuts so that's okay now that i am an adult. just make sure i don't turn into the same crazy as she is. that would not be good. go to sleep woman.