That button says;
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
I will not obsess
Too late. I can't explain how it feels to have panic attacks or to be so obsessed with letting go (hoarder) of things. You know you can hoard emotions too?
Part of my life is so scary right now. And I am not handling it well. But then when do I? I felt worse than this at the beginning of the semester and I went to talk to two different therapists to seek help. They both said that I did not need constant emotional care and to call when I needed help. And this was when I felt worse than I do today.
Whats wrong? What is it I can't handle? Well nothing really, I think it is just that I don't want to handle it. I would like, like most every person on the planet, for my life and situations to be manageable. I don't feel they are, at least not in a way that I feel confident about.
When I started back to college in Fall of 2008 I really thought I would have 4, maybe 5 semesters (2 years) to do then I would be done. Not so, I am starting year 2 now as a senior and it looks like I have at least another 2 years to go. Kinda crashed my hopes for being a financially helpful member to my fabulous husband. I feel like such a failure there.
I have gotten so complacent about organization at home that nothing is organized. I just let it pile up like a wall of protection against the world. But then that makes the world seem more complicated because that wall keeps getting deeper and larger. John forced me to tackle some of that wall today.
There is a dumping ground in our very small home between his hobby room and my desk in the basement. I went through all the material there and I now have 4 kitchen trash bags stuffed full of material to give away. I bought it all to do various things with like costumes, baby blankets, clothes and never got or made the time to do it. Some of the material I know I have had for more than 10 years. It was so scary to go through all that, but it felt good too. Now I just need to get the bags out of the house.
We found papers that got brought down stairs to shred that never got to the shredder and the dates on them are embarrassing. Hopefully tonight we will have a fire in the fireplace and send it all to the heavens that way. I will burn up the shredder on all of it.
Next, we spoil the kids. They want what they want now, not later, not wait, now. Now that I just don't stay home and wait to service their every whims it makes me nuts. And we don't have the extra money at all. I cringe every time my cell text message ding goes off. I am afraid it is the bank telling me we are overdrawn.
John is actually scared and worried about his job, this time really scared. Depending what happens in the other divisions that are part of his territory that he works out of he could either be let go because of seniority issues or we would be planning a move to where ever the good Lord takes him. Yes, he could get bumped out of a job and laid off by status of seniority. He says there are spots in the country that have openings for Techs but if he will be at the bottom of list again, why move? I have never seen him this scared before and it is scaring me.
I am so overly emotional too lately. It must be pre or peri menopause. My guess. Yeah I have been having a few symptoms that you think of, like when I am sleeping there will be a point almost every night that I am sweating. I feel emotional just like when I was pregnant too. The doctor says it's stress, since I don't have what he considers the classic symptoms. The other doctor wants to put me on drugs, just in case.
What do I think?
I think I am not handling the fact that I will 49 in February.
that my dreams and hopes for being done with college were not attainable with my goals.
that John has a great job that he loves and it pays well enough for me to not work and go to school and he could loose that.
the results of that scares me to no end, because of the ripple effect that could be there.
I need my friends and family, but I am such a downer no one wants to hang with me. That and when they have time I don't.
I know we will be fine in regards to John being the bread winner, but we are already living paycheck to paycheck there is not much if anything we could cut out.
I am not against moving if it puts John in a better position for work and his future. It has been a long time since I and we have started over. I bought my house in 1986, refinanced 3 times so we still have 23 years on the loan and of course it does not appraise for even the loan value, and we are very comfortable here. Have some great neighbors, they are like family. Central to everything in the St. Louis area. And the kids are in High School and Middle School now. It would hurt them the most to move. But if we have to so we can survive, they will have to be okay with it. I always was as a kid, what choice did I have. But I don't have friends either from my childhood and I found it very hard to make friends here. They all grew up together and there was no room for a new person in their click. Don't misunderstand, I have two or three really great still great friends from High School. I and John survived with all our moves.
So I'm just about the same, scared and having panic attacks and not having the courage to grab life and go with it. I am feeling my age and mortality and watching my husband who is always so strong be so scared really shakes me to the core.
It seems when I try and handle what is happening I loose it and make a poor decision, so I don't do it anymore. Not for at least a year. I can't seem to do it right. I feel lost and confused and very overwhelmed.
I try to look at the positive and work with that. I really do but it just hasn't worked yet for me.
Anyone have a cure for me? I hate feeling completely helpless and lost.
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