I am so sad right now

I know it will get easier to handle as the next 12 months progress.  But right now it is not.  I miss him so much already.  He's my best friend, husband, father of my kids, my soul mate and so much more. 

As I've written, John accepted a transfer to Omaha Nebraska just a little over a month ago.  Well this morning is when he left.  He will look for a  place to live over the next two weeks when he is not working then fly home on the 24th and pack his little truck with what he is moving up there and well that is it.  I know he is not leaving me and we love each other, and somehow it will all work out.  BUT IT DOESN'T MAKE IT ANY EASIER!  Not right now. 

Yes he will come home whenever possible and we will go up whenever possible to see each other.  It is about an 8 hour drive and there may be some cheap flights for him to take when he is not working on the weekends.  We will just have to see.  I hate not knowing the plan and saying we will see.

I hate the economy right now!  I hate everyone who put our country into this economic tail spin right now too.  If the sale reps for the company John works for didn't push to give the business to business partners and kept it for the company, if so many people did not get so greedy and want just more money for themselves, if the company wanted to keep their customers happy and keep their employees busy and happy while they made money he may not have chosen to move.  Work in St. Louis is so slow and has been for over a year he felt he had to take the transfer, he said it felt like the right thing to do and the right time to do it.  And yes I trust his gut instincts.  Still doesn't make this any easier. 

Maybe I love him too much and myself not enough.  Maybe all the fight and my personal strength has been sucked out of me.  I have handled and survived almost every type of abuse in my 49 years, emotional, psychological, physical and sexual so why am I having such a hard time with this?!  I also think I have had a curse or two tossed at me in the past, but I overcame those too.  We are not divorcing, not splitting up, not loving each other any less, so what the hell is my problem!!!  I just don't understand myself right now. 

The kids and I will be fine, it will be business as usual for us.  They get to stay in their schools for at least one more school year.  I will be in school too for two more semesters here, no change there.  They will still have their friends and sports and I will still have my friends and Yarn Shop buddies and the occasional crochet or knitting lesson to teach.  Plus all the other stuff won't change, school meetings, doctor visits, grocery store, driving the kids around, helping out my family and friends when I can.  None of that has changed.  Because of his schedule here and getting the occasional overtime or being sent out of town to help or do a job someplace else I could not count on him helping out with the daily stuff.  He does a great load of laundry though and might be a better cook than I am. What has changed is John will be home way less than he already was and he will be there in Omaha without us. 

Maybe that is it?  He is there alone and we are here in 'just like always' ville?  I dislike the idea of him knowing only one person there and that is the guy he will be working with.  I know he will make friends and find something to do when he is not working.  Just not too good of a friend John!  Oh that will not set well with me at all.

I am worried about him emotionally with the things that have happened in the last 3 weeks.  His move money was taxed ( I new it would be) so he has far less to move with than he expected and that was a huge disappointment to him.  Blew his plans out of the water in that regards, his plan was leave some with us to start house repairs and travel on to see him.  Then he found out while Boy Scout Camping last week that his bosses boss was leaving the company, he liked her as a boss.  Then just today he found out that the company is changing up the territory map and his boss won't be his boss anymore.  (unless she can change the companies mind, which is a slim chance.)  That was one of his pro's for taking the transfer, that he would keep his boss.  He really likes her and she is a good manager and backs up her employees.  And now all that overtime he was expecting to get there, isn't happening now.  I asked him with all these changes does it still feel like he made the right choice, and he says yes.  And I still feel it is the right choice too.  I'm still sad though! 

So I have vented for today, stay tuned for more oh poor pathetic me rants.  I do hope they get fewer very quickly, it's not healthy for me, the kids or John and I am so sure everyone is tired of hearing the cricket playing the violin whenever you see me or hear from me.  Yep, get over it Angie is right.  I am trying, promise.  I hate having a crying headache, it's not like my migraines  where I can take a pain pill for it.