today I am 50

Yes, today I am 50.  I don't feel 50 and I don't think I look 50.  So what is 50?  I still have all the problems and hangups I did yesterday when I was 49.  I am still making my loving husband crazy with my depression and angst about him moving for work and us staying here.  I am still in school worrying about getting through it and doing well. 

What is it to turn another day older?  When you were little and had a birthday it was like the light of all that is good was shining all over you and all your problems from yesterday were erased, at least for that day. 

Am I more depressed because I am 50 and have done very little of what I set out to do so many years ago?  Or is it because at this point in life that is all there is to feel?

What I was hoping would happen, other than the normal wishes - no debt, loads of money in the bank, provide for my children's future education and living, set a good example on how to overcome what gets you down, get my writing published, all the dreams I had 30 years ago before either husband and kids, (there are more too but you would get bored reading the list), so next is the list of wishes for now.  Stop being so depressed about everything!  Stop stressing over what I can not control, do good in college and continue to try and set an example for my kids.  Keep loving John no matter where he lives and pray this living apart thing works out.  Try and pick up some of those old dreams that are still viable and work on them - No, just get a set of new ones.  Worrying about the old ones is part of my problems.  Again, stop being a depressed panty waste and be a big girl.  I am too old to let my past keep me down.  I am tired of feeling powerless, abandoned, left behind  and letting my fear and depression get the best of me.  As a friend says, shut up and pull up your big girl panties!

So we will see how this goes. 

So what is it to turn 50?  Is my life over and on the down hill slide and I have wasted all my good years and energy?