I don't want to die, not yet.  Not for another 40 or more years, as long as I have my wits about me.  Why?  Twice now in my 52 years I have had emergency surgery to save my life.  Once when I was 5 weeks old and recently, 5 weeks after my 52nd birthday.  But how can I be so selfish when last Friday a friend passed from a sudden massive heart attack?  He had no time to make such a request.

March 25, 2013 after going to dinner with the husband and son I started feeling painfully constipated.  The pain increased to unbearable measure and the husband said I looked as white as a Styrofoam cup and my eyes were as black as night.  He rushed me to the hospital.  After a CT scan the ER doctor came and told us that he was calling a surgeon to operate immediately because I was not going to die in his ER.  My response, 'Really?  Are you sure?'  Pain meds can make you say silly things. 

By the am hours of March 26 I was in surgery.  I had a perforated section of lower colon that was no bigger than the diameter of my pinkie and I was putting all sorts of nasty things into my body, I was septic.  I really don't think I need to tell you exactly what was going into my body.  So the surgeon found the bad spot, did what she needed to do to remove it and  it took her 9 liters of fluid to rinse out of me all the bad stuff.  The incision is LARGE.  God I hope she got all of the bad section and there are no more bad spots hiding in me. 

Yes I am scared.  You see had my husband not decided to take a couple of days off and come home for a visit I could very possibly not be typing this right now.  Knowing stupid me I probably would have tried to go to sleep thinking I was just seriously constipated and my kids would have found me dead.  Yes I am scared.

Between the hospital ICU stay and the rehab hospital stay I was hospitalized for a total of 17 days from March 25 to April 10.  From pre-surgery to March 31 I lived on ice chips and a saline drip.  I had wires and tubes everywhere.  I swelled up from the saline to the point that my feet were 4 times their size and one hand looked like the StayPuff Marshmallow Man from Ghost Busters.  I had so much pain medication in me my eyes could not focus and read.  But by the end of the rehab hospital stay I was walking on my own even though I was in pain and very uncomfortable.

So now I have a colostomy bag to do my business in and a wound vac attached to the packing on my incision and am constantly in pain of some sort.  The wound vac putts away stimulating healing from the inside out. I can't drive or work or reach up or down nor lift anything heavier than a gallon of milk and have in home nurse visits 3 times a week to change my dressing, colostomy and reattach the wound vac.  I could be down for a total of 3 to 6 months healing.  I am hoping the surgeon is right and that the colostomy is reversible.  So when she says I am physically able I will go through another surgery. 

I have been home since last Wednesday April 10 afternoon.  My husband had to leave to go back to work in the state (separate from us) his company transferred him to this past Monday.  We have had friends bring us food, come over and cook for the kids and I, the nephew even did my dishes tonight for me.  I have a neighbor that comes home for lunch every day and she comes over to check on me.  I have some good friends and neighbors (big smile!).

Yesterday I had my followup with the surgeon and she says my incision is looking and healing well with new granulated tissue.  She wants to see me in 3 weeks.  Her nurse had to remove my wound vac and dressing for her to tell me this of course.  I was sent home with what they call a wet to dry dressing, basically saline soaked gauze to fill the wound and then bandaging over that.  When my visiting nurse removed the wet to dry the gauze was green and had an infection smell. but my tissue looked good.  She called the surgeon and since I did not have a fever they want her to report how I am on Friday when she comes back. 

My GP called me today to let me know he is keeping tabs on my progress and that he saw the positive report from yesterdays surgeon visit.  This man has been my Doctor for probably 20 years and boy do I appreciate him doing this.  He is also aware of our families situations too.  He is a great guy.

So now I wait to go back to the surgeon on May 7 for the next followup.  My visiting nurse says I am wishing for too much for my incision to be healed or nearly healed by then.  But I am hopeful.  I know I will have to have a CT scan and maybe other tests to see how my colon is to decide if my internal plumbing can be reconnected.  No idea when all of that will take place. 

Yes I am scared, no I am not ready to leave my children or my husband.  I just graduated college with a teaching degree in December 2012, I want to go back to work, travel, live in the same home as my husband, explore.  I hope to be healthy after this until I am a burden to my children with my husband in our 90's and be a crazy woman not willing to give up on life.  So yes, I am scared. 

Now on the funny side (gross to some).  I find it laughable every time I fart out my stoma on my belly and I have to burp my bag so it doesn't burst.