Two years ago today, March 26, 2013, I was in surgery by 6am after being rushed to the hospital by my then loving husband the night before. I woke up knowing I had been in surgery, remembering the surgeon telling me to hold on and they were going to make me better, and I heard her say to someone to get your ass in surgery, she has about a 20% chance to live through this surgery, we have to hurry.
I was septic throughout my abdomen and dieing from septicemia and toxemia. I had a whole in my my intestine and was leaking body waste into my abdomen for anywhere from 4 to 6 months the doctors guessed. Well I am rehashing the past here, I must be writing this for anyone that does not know. But if you don't know, crawl back in the archives and you can read the details from there.
I stopped breathing twice and the Anesthesiologist has a hard time getting me to breathe again. He told me in recovery he thought he lost me once. That must have been when I met the other side and had a talk with my ancestors. That is also when I got upset because they sent me back to this place and I could not move on.
The two years since then have been not good for the most part.
Six months later, 7 days after my 21st wedding anniversary and 3 days before the second of three surgeries I was tossed in the garbage by my now estranged husband. He did not love me anymore and wanted out, wanted nothing to do with me because I was abusive to him and the kids and he wanted his 28 year younger than him girlfriend. Great things to be told just 24 hours after he told me how much he loved me and the kids and could not wait to get home to us, to be there for me for the second surgery. I could go on, but it would only make me crazy sad to think how I could have believed all his lies all those years. Claiming devotion and commitment. Oh well, as a friend says, it is what it is. What I say, no matter what I wanted I could not lead him to change his mind about the divorce. We are still married because I don't have full time work yet or insurance for my medical bills. I am going to try to not talk about the abandonment and the cheating and the pain and failure I and our kids, most the son feels, about my therapist telling me I am suffering a type of PTSD now because of this. That (my pain) is evident in the past writings. And that is where it needs to stay, in the past.
I have been looking for work in my chosen field of education like crazy. I graduated December 2012 with my B.S. degree in Elementary Education. I am certified to teach from Birth to 6th grade and in two (hopefully 3 very soon) areas in High School. For two years between surgeries and medically required time off I have been subbing in 6 different school districts. Still I get only 1 to 4 days a week subbing. There are so many subs here in my area, we fight for jobs and the schools will schedule their favorites before they put the openings up for grabs on the subbing services that they use. So I also work 4-8 hours a week for a friend and her dad listing their items on eBay. That is not working out well at all in a few areas. I get paid once a month at less than minimum wage but it does buy our groceries for the month.
I am behind on the house payment because I was not getting any money for almost a month to pay the bills from the estranged husband. I can only guess why he took the money away from me and his kids. I am behind on my student loan payments, utilities, all of it. I hate it, do not like it at all, wish I could win the big winning lottery and not worry about money in that way again ever! I have had to cancel my doctor and dentist appointments because I can't pay for the whole bill.
I no longer have the horrible thoughts I did a year ago about not caring if I was alive or not. I am still sad about my life but I am plugging away trying. I am really worried about my son. He hides in the basement, does not leave the house unless he has to, stays depressed all the time and will not take his medication. He is still failing school and at last weeks meeting I was told that if he stays on the path he is on he will not graduate high school till he is 21. It makes me want to throw my hands up and quit. It is like looking for work. I feel like I am trying and have a great resume and I am a good person with the kids but I don't get the interviews or even considered for teaching employment.
What did I do in my life to have Karma do this to me?
Yesterday I woke up around 3:30am and was so sick. So very sick!! I was in so much pain I almost called an ambulance for myself. The son did not even hear me calling him for help. I passed out from the pain in my ribs all the way around, like someone had a giant rubber band around me and it kept getting tighter. Weird because it did not affect my breathing. I woke at 2:30pm after vomiting repeatedly from 5am until 9am. I was so scared, and no one to help me.
So back to my 2nd Re-Birth Birthday. No fan fare, I am alive, unemployed, single (separated, divorce not even filed yet), one kid that can't wait to get away and one that refuses to go outside and even do his best in school. I am not complaining, it is just the way it is and I don't know what to do anymore.
I will keep looking for work. I will continue to go forward. I don't know what direction to go in anymore but I will keep going forward every step I can. I don't know what else to do. Even when I did not want to live, a strong part of me kept me going. I need to keep listening to that strong part of me and stop crying over what has happened to me and the kids. I may never be able to trust or love anyone again like I did him. His betrayal of all those promises has killed that part of me.
Well, I could keep rambling but you are bored already.
Plans for the next year? Same as last, find a career job, continue to get over losing someone I thought I could and would love forever, find a way to trust again, help my son to get over his depression and fear, keep plugging away.
Just keep plugging away. It's all I can do. It is that or never get out of bed again and die. That is not an option. I may never be happy again, but I would not have quit.
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