Today's fear

I was doing okay today, slept in, woke with a smile, but then......

I started thinking about and looking at all that needs to be done in my house and in my life.  It is scaring me and overwhelming me.  I am so very scared!  It is almost paralyzing. I am still in a pattern and habit that I can not do anything in my life or home without my husband (who left me and his children for another woman) being here to help me with those decisions. It is crippling. I can't get moving most days!  I want that feeling to go away, I want to be in control of my life, I want to go out and feel safe with men that I can survive without them and love being in their company without feeling self conscious and that they need to control my life.

It is after midnight now.  I have three boxes to go to the donations tomorrow and a christmas tree to go too. I still need more to do.  I became so crippled by anxiety and fear today doing work at home.  I over the past 24 years have become used to not being able to make a decision without him.  I became so codependent over these years.  Not being able to make a decision that is satisfactory for him to live with.  Now I can not make decisions on my own without major anxiety. He killed me. He killed my spirit.  Everything I have done has been for him, our marriage and our children. I allowed this because I loved him (still do) and because that was how I was taught to be by my mother. When you get tossed out like I was most people would do exactly as I have done.  Have a breakdown, many of them.

I am looking for myself.  Looking for my strength.  Look for my life.  I thought I had it. Now it is gone.  I have no current life, my goals are now just to find a job that my kids and I can survive on.  I may have given up on love.  If my love is worth so little as to have one husband abuse me and the second one leave me for someone 28 years younger than him, what use am I to this world?  Who could I trust? Who could even want me? I get used like a throwaway cup.