Regrets

Do you have any regrets?

I have some.  Both small and very large and everything in between.

Why do I ask?

Because I was told something in complete honesty by someone that crashed down part of me that I trying to rebuild.

My regrets are not what you think.  I do not regret marrying my first husband, now do I regret divorcing him.  I do not regret marring my now estranged husband (even though he does) I do regret that he could not work out the problems he has with me and our marriage.  This is why I ask this question and I will tell you why it is bothering me. But later.

Regret telling time, just some because I am sure I have many I don't know I even have.
I regret not being a better wife or person and having a marriage that lasts as in the stories.
I regret dating abusive men that I will not tell you what they did to me.  I have made piece with those things and those men.
I regret not having enough energy to get everything done that is put before me.  I am not Diana Prince. (Look it up if you don't know)
I regret eating my feelings and gaining weight making me unattractive to my husbands and then they seeing me as ugly they run away and cheating.
I regret not going to college and getting my degree before I was 25.
I regret putting my education and career possibilities on hold for husbands and children.
I regret being stupid.
I regret loving someone so much that I lost myself and have no connection to getting me back.
I regret not dying at either 5 weeks old or at 5 weeks after my 52nd birthday and now 6 weeks after my 54th. Those were the times I had life saving surgeries. Sorry, true most days anymore.  Yes I know a future employer may get wind of this and want to read it and see it and go 'Oh hell no, we are not hiring this bitch!'
I regret not going out with friends more when I still had friends to go out with.
I regret that 98% of my meals out are alone, just me.
I regret that if I am with someone else I have nothing to talk to them about but I really do like to listen to others.
I regret not listening to my intuition more.
I regret not redoing my bathroom better, now I have to do it again.
I regret refinancing my home twice.  Had I not it would be paid off in in 2016, now it won't be paid off till after I am dead.
I regret yelling at my kids when I was frustrated and did not know what to do to calm myself down.
I do regret marrying my now estranged husband simply because of the broken and completely shattered heart I have.
I regret not being able to see how broken I would be left.
I regret not opening my eyes and stop dreaming about how if I love someone they will love me.
My biggest regret, putting my life on hold for those that I love and loved with every fiber of my being.  Now I am too old to be considered for quality career employment.
I regret wanting romance and courtship.


I do NOT regret the following, still remember this is not a complete list.
I do not regret My children!  I love them so very much.  They are wonderful people and are dealing with the damage done to them the best they can.
I do not regret My home, I like my little house and want to keep it and fix it.  One of the kids may want it later after I am gone.
I do not regret Spending time alone.
I do not regret Spending time with someone that never really did love me (I was too blind to see it).  I loved him enough to have his children.
I do not regret Going back to college at age 48 and graduating at 52. I want to go back and study more.
I do not regret that extra serving of a dish someone made special for me in their home or mine.
I do not regret spending so much time with all 4 of my grandparents when I was a child.  I have a different perspective on life compared to even my sisters.  They did not get that opportunity like I did.
I do not regret staying home when I know I would be bad company had I gone out.
I do not regret being alive.

Yes I know that there are similarities on both lusts. Conundrum.


Now,
What brought this all on?
A couple of days ago I was told a mutual friend that he has been talking to the estranged husband (eh)  and that he (the friend) felt I needed to know what they talked about on one occasion.  The conversation was all about how the eh regrets ever marrying me and pretending to love me.
Whammm!!! I did not even have to run into that brick wall, it came to me. So that is why I regret marrying him.  He wasted so much of my life with his lies.

So now I am not just garbage to be tossed out by someone I gave my life to, but I am his regret, and from something he said to me the end of last year was that he (the eh) did let the right one go a long time ago and it was never me.  That I considered as a statement of regret of having a marriage and kids with me.  He still does not even come and visit.  Guess he is too busy making up for his 21+ regrettable years of marriage with me.


Don't ever type and need to talk to the verse when on pain medication after a surgery that you did not know you needed to stay alive.  Oh and here come the hives from the pain killers. And yes, I still love the Jack Ass EH!

I want to love again.  But I am scared to.  I am guessing I don't even know what love is or being in love is after this life I have lived so far.  The next time around, I want the eh to never be a part of my life at all, no matter how many reincarnations I have, Never.  I am done coming back and beating my head against some brick wall until it bleeds and then I still don't learn.  Well I have learned.  In this life though, we are still legally married and so if he wanted to come back and try, I am game, but I not giving up my boundaries I have already drawn for anyone. I have learned the importance of boundaries within your self and with others.