"Have no friends not equal to yourself." —Confucius

What of life am I feeling?

Loss and loneliness:  A close friend of mine and my parents passed away on June 1.  I will miss seeing him at my folks house, getting his supportive posts on Facebook, getting Christmas cards and Birthday messages.  Ron, I love you and will miss you here on this earth.    I will continue to be lonely for love.  I have had some male friends tell me they love me and want to marry me, but I did not feel the same in return.  One of them even told me I would grow to love him that way if I just committed myself to him.  No, not my way.  If there is another man out there that I can love as much as he loves me, I have not found him yet.  My two marriages and the long term boyfriend, well, I loved them all more than they ever loved me.  The proof is in the fact that they all divorced me and left me without care or concern except that they try to destroy me financially and emotionally. Just the husbands, the boyfriend, he just cheated on me and moved on quickly.

So what have I learned?    That I love myself more now and will not give that away again, ever.  I love myself enough that I will not love someone else (except my children) more than I love me.

Failure:  I still have not found work.  I am scared.  I am afraid.  I am looking but feeling discouraged.  I am up against other teachers that have excellent and long experience.  I am up against younger teachers that have just graduated college and have graduated with Master degrees, PHD's and dual or more.  I feel so old and unwanted and alone.  Looking for work is not good for the ego.

I feel my life is going backwards while I grow older.  The social, emotional and employment constructs I am going through are all things that the young should go through.  All while my years stack up against me.  I only hope that I do not go through this all alone, but so far it seems I will.