I am not very consistent about blogging.

I have stressed myself out so much over that last 6 months. It really is not funny at all. Why would think it funny to stress themselves out emotionally? It is a phrase I don't like and, well can't think of what else to say.

I have been so consumed with letting others tell me what to do and what they need me to do. I feel guilty for wanting or doing for myself. I have been having a problem for the last 3 months reading. My glasses just don't help with the close up anymore. I had an eye exam and and the sales lady talked me into bifocals. I don't have a problem with bifocals at all. And I agree they are great things. She measured the position of the lenses wrong and when I got them and wore them they made me physically ill.

I took them back this morning. I was so upset and afraid to try another bifocal that I just asked for reading strength lenses put in. I rationalize this as being okay since when I am home or reading I have to take off my regular pair anyhow. They work great as reading glasses. using them right now. My others are still great for everything else. But I should have never been sold on the glasses in the first place. It was money we really don't have that I spent. Taking off my glasses were working fine. I was getting used to the headaches.

Yeah, I don't like doing anything practical for myself. You figured that one out. But the other thing I did not tell you. I was on the verge of a panic attack with just the thought of saying no or asking for what I really wanted. That is not allowed anymore. And it has been worse since the kids have been out of school work winter break.

The whining and fighting and fussing has made me nuts. I am always a nervous wreck lately. Never happy, never calm, never anything other than angry and crabby and depressed. I just want to sit and watch TV or sleep. Why should I clean, do laundry, pickup? The kids and sometimes the husband just drops the trash or their books or papers, whatever they have, just where ever they want. And it stays there until I pick up or make them do it. And by the time I listen to the fighting and the drama I might have well done it myself.

I am so slapped down, mostly by myself. Letting me get to me. It is supposed to be a mother and wife job to take care of the family. Especially when I don't have a job out side the home.

I could keep raving. But it is just making me more angry at myself and giving me a headache.