Oh what a web we weave not knowing

Life is pretty complicated as it is.  But when we throw in our own mental crazy drama it does not go good at all.  It not only makes us crazier to everyone around us but it makes those that we love even more crazy to where they don't want to be near us.  Oh and confide in a stranger, those folks will bark back at you and run for the hills throwing rocks at you so you stay away.  At least that is what I imagine they want to do. 

I learned a powerful lesson maybe too late.  Get a grip!!!!!  I am a very emotional being that loves love and attention.  But I also like to give love and attention.  But the latter is something I got out of practice of.  I had a previous blog that I ranted all about how it's not me.  Well it is all about me.  About me forgetting to give lovingly.  About me forgetting not to quickly accept all gifts of love then giving two fold back.  I have become angry at myself and used others to make me happy because I was not helping myself to be happy.  All it did was make them miserable. 

I acknowledge and accept that I am a child in an adult body with a paranoid crying adolescent in my brain controlling my emotions and reactions and crying out 'give to me to show me you care, it's all about me don't you know'.  Think a lobotomy would help me? 

I have confided in people that I should not have.  I have placed many people in a bad position and I should not have.  I have driven off the sweetness of happiness with my 'oh poor me' without acknowledging others pain.  It took a total stranger whom I have never met in person to make me realize this, and they are 1/2 my age. 

Time for a great personal purge. 

Webs are something only spiders should handle because we will get stuck in them every time with little or no way out without damage to ourselves or those with us.  The most dangerous webs are those that we don't know we have constructed (like mine) until we ourselves get caught.  I am not implying an intentional web of malice.  No.  I am talking about a web of emotional craziness coupled with need and want that I had no idea I was making. 

When we get what we need and then some want, well we forget about accepting just the need.  The want becomes the white elephant in the room with us.  It grows exponentially until it becomes an obsession.  And that obsession will destroy everything good if we don't catch it and put it in it's place. Mine escaped I am afraid.

So it is time for me to keep working on getting my crazy circus all in line and boxed up.  No guarantees the circus will stay packed away but I will do my best to keep the locks on all the cages.

Some who read this will go WTF! and hopefully others will see it as my true and honest acknowledgement of the damage I have done, as a promise to be and do better and as an apology and request for forgiveness and a chance for a new beginning.