Progression of this blog

 

I started this blog to share my words and writing.  Then I thought, I should share my thoughts.  Then I decided to share my crafting and fun stuff because my thoughts were sometimes sad.  Then, well lately it is where I wax philosophical and share my fears in a cloud of words looking for guidance from the creator.  

I have a lot of fears. Afraid of raising my children wrong.  Afraid of saying the wrong things to the wrong people.  Afraid of not finding a job and able to help support my family.  Fear of hurting others.  Fear of  way more.  Fear of not being good enough. Fear of the next health issue with out health insurance.  Fear of being a bully.  Fear of not liking myself again. Fear if moving forward.  I am just a giant scared child that feels abandoned in a 50+ year old body.

For years now I have not liked myself much and could not recognize that until three weeks ago when I got a huge bomb shell dropped on me.  I have been clingy and demanding and lazy and bullied my husband and family to do what I could not do because of my emotional stress and issues.  I took stressing about everything to the max some people would say.  I never saw it.  I really did not.  Well now I do and I am scared to handle it because I know that damage it has already done. 

With what is before me I still ask why was my life saved this past March for me to just go through all of this.  I am NOT trying to push anyone away.  Just the opposite.   I want to keep the ones I love and respect close.  I have accepted so much and so many in my life for who they are and how they are.  Why can't that be the same for others with me?  Perhaps I am just to0 complicated. 

Well I apologize for my crazy attitudes.  I ask forgiveness for all my wrong doings.

I let my sadness overwhelm me today.  I can honestly shut my whole self down.  But I did get the floors vacuumed tonight and it felt good. 

So now you see that I am back using this space as a way of communicating with the universe and reaching out for hope and solace and blessings.  

One last thing, I found this very interesting.  I have friends that suffer with true depression greater than my fears and sadness.  It is a blog a friend posted on FB.  http://www.themilitantbaker.com/2013/10/the-basics-of-mental-health-in-form-of.html