Broken toys

I am not a broken toy.
People should not be tossed aside or out when they are broken.
They should be given the chance to be fixed, fix themselves, helped, loved and protected.
Not tossed aside.
The time invested in them should not be tossed out like a broken toy that can not be fixed just to just go shopping and go buy a new one.
Just because it has the new toy look and feel.
The toy that stood by you in all your play dates and good and bad times are the better by far. 

I am not a broken toy, please help me be fixed is what I hear from many people.  I have joined a support group on line and some of the stories these folks tell are just horrible.  So many of these folks feel abandoned, ignored, left behind.  That their life should end and that they are not worth anything to anyone.  I have felt the same, I know what they are going through.  The frantic 'I need to leave this world now', 'No one loves me or needs me', 'How could this happen to me,' statements.  They are heart wrenching. I stayed up till 2am one night messaging back and forth with one girl that is maybe 17 and she was ready to end her life right there. Her boy friend of years left her cold for another girl at school, he's told stories about her to alienate her from their friends, her parents tell her she is stupid and a waste, here sisters tell her to get lost, she has little friends at school because she is different.  I was afraid to go to sleep and leave her alone.  For a short time I felt like she was one of our children that I have sat up with or secretly watched while they sleep to make sure they are okay when they have had really horrible times. 

I kept thinking 'how could her family treat her like this?' 'If my kids were hurting this bad, and they have, I would be there right by their sides, telling them I love them.'  I have done this with our children.  Both of them in the last few years.  Being a teenager is so hard.

I write some of them back and try and tell them that it is okay, that it will get better.  But I remember how when I was in their position I did not believe anyone when they told me that.  (Right now I am so tired of my health issues and it really brings me down.)  I try to tell them that, hoping they believe me and believe in themselves.  I hope I believe that myself as much as I think I do believe it about me.  I know sounds odd.

People and relationships are not broken toys.

I went to this site to talk about my problems and not burden my family and friends.   What problems?  Loneliness for one.  Since my ER surgery in March and the second surgery in September I have spent more time alone on lock down in my house and it has made my loneliness so much worse.  Just me staring at the walls, orders not to do anything, can't pick up anything heavier than a gallon of milk, no stairs, no bending,  limited food choices, etc.  Then no work because it was summer, then school started back up and off and on substituting until the second surgery in September then time off to do some moderate healing from that one then back to work.  Then today I pass out at work.

But back to the loneliness.  Yes I had friends call and come by.  Wonderful people bringing the kids and I meals almost everyday for two weeks, or coming over to cook for us.  My kids were here too.  But John still lives so very far away and I miss him, and I drove him and drive him crazy with my loneliness and codependency needs.  And when you are separated from your spouse that you love for so long and so far away, a military family would know what I am talking about, it makes you even lonelier, crazier and bitchy.  It just builds on the previous issues I had and have.

So being locked at home makes it worse.  I couldn't work, couldn't go take a class in school, couldn't do anything but go crazier than I already was.  So I know how these people I have been talking to and sharing with feel.  They feel left, abandoned, tossed aside, unloved and unwanted.  They have all made mistakes, we all make mistakes.  They feel like no one will ever love them or accept them with their faults.

When you look at the good in a person the bad or irritating can be so very not important.   Especially if it is someone you say you care about.  Why do we see the good in strangers before we see the good in those we care about?  I can say I have done this myself, and it is wrong.  I asked a close friend tonight to tell me things about myself that were negative or I needed to work on and what were positive about me from present day or past.  Here are the results:

Negative - Pushy, don't give up until I get what I want, Mean tone in my voice at times, show my disappointment in my mannerisms and facial expressions, Nicer to strangers than my own family, I listen and it goes in one ear and out the other, mean to my son.

Positive - Kind, Content when satisfied with a situation or state of being, Care about what I am doing as a teacher, do whats needed to have a job done properly, Nice to animals, Listen to my friends, good mom, Gentle, used to take care of myself physically and mentally, always willing to learn, trusting, forgiving and accepting of others. 

Well I have been so over the top on the stress meeter that some of the positive was before my crazy days, which have been going on for years.  It was like every nerve I had was raw and open for a long time.  I also really believe that my diverticulitis that landed me almost dead in March was leaking poison into my body and it affected my brain and emotions.  I was toxic poisoning myself and had no idea, no wonder I have been off kilter for so long.  My doctors say that is very possible in deed.

So I try and tell the people I talk to on the support group that everyone goes through things.  Reach out, tell people you are lonely, worried, scared, what ever is going on.  If they care they will not run, they will try and help.  I care and I try to help.

So we are not broken toys to be tossed and go get a new one.  We are people who can heal and be better, we just need to not only believe in ourselves, but have those that care believe in us too, and trust us.  Without support from them why would anyone want to get better?