Image snagged from: http://www.thechallengesofmentalillness.com/p/the-very-early-symptoms.html
No I am not bipolar. I am simply depressed over stress. But that is not always simple and sometimes I am always stressed so there, nha. My mother has OCD and control issues not to mention co-dependency characteristics. DO NOT judge my statements. I Love my mother enough to take a bullet for her. She has not been diagnosed or received treatment for any of this but for anyone that has met her or been in the house will know what I am talking about. But I am not here to vent about my mom. I accepted her for who she is and the way she is a long time ago. She is my mother and I love her more than people think or believe. So my problems are genetic and socially learned form my parents and the way I was raised. That being said.... I have for all of my 52 years worked on these habits and eliminating them from myself but there are some that I can not eliminate completely.They must be hardwired like being born with the little crook in my pinkies which you can see in both my sisters too. Like having the nose from my dad's side of the family. There is a lot to a person that is hardwired and we can not change. I don't think any of us can change everything about our inner workings and brain process. Ever. I accept my mother for all her nuts then why can't I be accepted?
Okay, the doom and gloom, you just saw a piece.
Everything has been derailed for me in recent months. Like my emergency surgery this past March, I never saw it coming. Nope did not. So now not only healing physically I have this mental and emotional trauma to work with and heal from. I have no idea how or what the prescription is to heal. I am having some physical pain in the surgery area, some caused from the coughing I did for so long from being sick with a sinus infection and cold, from the internal sutures causing irritation and form the organs trying to get out of the hernia. I should have the surgery for the hernia in February, hurray happy birthday to me is what I say. I could think of better ways to celebrate my 53rd birthday, but at least I will have that birthday. Don't get me wrong, sometimes in deep stress I have asked 'why didn't I die in March on that operating table? I don't want to be going through this horrible part of my now life!' I AM GLAD TO BE ALIVE, don't ever question that!!!!!! I am having problems with one of my shoulders again. I go to the doctor about my shoulder next week. I may need surgery on that too. We will see. It all has to be done by August 2014 in case I get a job in my degree.
So the emotional. Wish I could talk all about it but I can't and won't out of respect for 3 people, 2 of which are more important to me than anyone in the world. What I can tell you is I was broadsided and smacked in a the emotional face with a cast iron skillet. It's like being an etch-a-sketch with a really cool picture on it that you worked so very hard on and was so proud of it, so very proud of it! Then someone I trusted came along and knocked it right out of my hands and scrambled it all up to nothing but a jumbled mess.
image courtesy of http://www.gvetchedintime.com/
Well now I have a blank etch-s-sketch to start all over with. It is exciting, scary, intimidating and well scary all at the same time. I only need to remember how to use it. Lets see how I do.
I found out today that to retire so I could support myself and not live in a cardboard box or with one of the kids I may have to work in my chosen profession until I am 70. That is if I get hired full time next year. Oh joy! I may be doing the same long haul in another field of work too. Well nothing I can do but win the lottery big bucks. I will have to remind the kids to get houses with a bedroom for me.
Well I know I did not tell you much. And what I did say is cryptic, get used to it. I will not point fingers and be a rotten jerk. Serves no purpose in my life. So back to my glass of wine and knitting. And thanks for looking at my rambles, made my day.
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