When, Never, I do not know

Never will I be comfortable and happy again enough to not have the clump of sadness and loneliness in my throat.  It is not due to anyone person or a group of people that I have had in my life until now.  It is because the Creator conjured me up this way.  Maybe an ingredient or two too many or too few.
 How can we know?

I have been melancholy  ever since I can remember my emotions. Is it depression all the time? No. Sometimes people just get tired and melancholy.  Tired of being left and abandoned, tired of  answering questions, tired of being tired and lonely but not willing to fall back into the same place that got me here.  Untrusting of everyone.  Secluding myself to a cave with lots of windows to watch through.

So tired and crushed that sometimes tears just flow and I do not recognize why. They just come out. I cry and can't tell you why or the trigger that caused it.

Today - I felt like when I woke up that I will never get anything in my life right and I will always go around with a lump of personal sadness in my throat that will never go away. Never go away.