Mucking

Mucking, that feeling of walking through mud trying to move and it is very difficult at best to do, so;

That is what I am defining it as.  Walking in the yuck and muck trying to get out of it.  Getting stuck sometimes and sometimes gaining ground and sometimes not moving at all. It is a difficult way to live.  I get so hung up on being betrayed and dumped after a quarter of a century of being together.  I apologize to my children all the time for not being good enough for the long life long promised trip.  My daughter has been posting things to Facebook and tagging both of us in them.  Things that to me she is asking for us to reconcile.  He would not.

I am in a difficult place.  I have allowed others to set my value as a person and I have not set my value with them.  I have always loved myself and like myself.  I let the devil creep in sometimes and the voices of others telling me that I am not a valuable person ring in my ears at all the wrong moments.  I fight these demons, but thankfully not as often as I used to.

So the world is not a perfect place and neither am I.

I am mucking and getting stuck sometimes.  But I am still moving forward, even with tears in my eyes, a broken painful heart, a body that has been under the surgical knife more than I have ever imagined and struggle on in finding a job that I can do.