I have lived a life I never expected or never wanted.

I have lived a life I never expected or never wanted.  Today I look back and see how difficult my life has been. No I am not trying for sympathy or doom say or attention.  We all have these days of reflection that cause us to look back.  Some days we look back with the hope we are feeling at that moment.  Sometimes it's the sadness, the remorse, the why me, the, well any emotion you feel is what we look back for.  Today for me it is the numb reality of the shock of reality with a lot of hurt emotions, a lot.

I really think I have done my best with myself and my life.  I really do.  I also believe that if I had a different emotional skill set I could have done better. But I am who I am due to my upbringing, genetics and life experiences.

Today I remember the horrible things told to me since I have a memory that I can recall.

You ruined my life.  You are the reason I am sick.  You made me crazy.  You are so stupid.  You should have died as a baby.  You are too stupid to be anything.  You aren't good enough for anyone.  I only used you. What good could you be to anyone? You are too ugly for a good looking man to want.  You know you might look better if you lost about 100 pounds.  You are so stupid how could you ever succeed at anything? Why can't you change and be like so and so?  I regret ever marrying you. Why did you have to survive?  No one could ever love you, you are so ugly.  Yeah I only told you that to get you to do what I wanted you to do because you are too stupid to know I was lying.  I only used you for my benefit, I don't care and never did. You are such an embarrassment, how could anyone want to be seen with you or be with you. No wonder you don't have a partner or friends, you are such a looser.

Well you can believe I am because of these and more horrible things said to me.

There are some really horrible people in this world.

I have told myself these same horrible things in my life too.  Because of what was told to me and what has recently happened to me I guess I could never trust again.  So keep hating me, I am already hurt and scarred. I will keep to myself and you can hate me from afar while you live your beautiful life.  It would do me and you good to forget I exist. I guess there in no one out there for me. So go, go away and leave me alone now all you haters of me. I used to be glad to be alive. Because of all of you that hate me and tried to change me and wanted me to be someone I am not and that God good made as I am, just go and get away from me.  Have a good life.

God made me the way I am and it's all you get. No one can change for anyone but themselves and their God(s).

I did not want to live a life where I was used by all those that I gave my love to freely.  I did not want my life to turn out so I am in the middle of my life and not making enough money, even with a college degree, to not support myself and my children. I did not want a life where I was left and treated like garbage, cast out in the street like used chewing gum that did not serve a purpose anymore. I did not want to live a life that got in your way.

All I wanted was to love and be loved.  Everything else good could fall in place behind that.  But according to so many I am not good enough to love.  I am only good enough to be used, crushed and cast out because you could not care and love me as I am.