Today's Reflection(s)

Today I will reflect on many things again.  I may tell you about some of them here.

Teaching:
I love teaching, I love my students, I love going to work everyday to be with them.  Yes even my challenging ones. The students in my kindergarten class come from upper middle class to poverty.  But in class they don't know that and don't care.  They treat each other the same regardless.

What I don't like is that my college education has not prepared me for the life of a first year teacher.  The politics and overly perfection perfectionists that are supervising first years and beyond are sometimes very unrealistic.  I really like, respect, admire the dedication and commitment of these superiors that I have come to meet.  They are so overworked and stretched thin, But, they expect from us, their teachers, miracles and hold us accountable with our jobs and threats of loosing them if we do not.

I have made mistakes in my lesson preparation and been dragged threw the coals instead of assisted.  I have been thrown under the bus per say and had to fight for one more semester to prove I can do my job.  I have had nightmares and sleepless nights and only taken off sick days when I had my most recent surgery on my knee.

Divorce:
No life with another person is perfect.  I worked very hard at being the woman he wanted, at least the woman he showed me and told me he wanted.  But then, he left.  Told me I made him crazy. That I was trying and was killing him.  When I was who our life together turned me into.  I gave it all.  And got left for garbage for another woman.  The kids got left too. He forgets that.  He just did not run from me and our marriage but from our children too.  They may be old enough to be young adults, but he left them and the marriage at least 6 years ago.  6 years of my trying to keep it all together, but only to loose myself and my confidence and care for much of anything but my kids.

Depression:
When I was young, 14 to 19, I thought I was going crazy.  That I was crazy and I had voices in my head talking to me.  Not all the time and now from all the reading and talking to others, that this was normal.  Our brains are going through such changes and our hormones go right along with them.  Causing all sorts of hurricanes in our bodies and our brains.  Thank goodness for that.  We all have our sad days though.  What brings me down?  Being told I am not good enough, that I have done something all wrong, when I have little time to get everything I want and need to get done finished, being excluded, being lonely.  With what I have gone through with the abandonment, cheating, intentional verbal pain, surgeries and recoveries over the last 3 years and being told I am worthless at my most emotional and physically vulnerable, no wonder I get bouts of sadness.

Me:
I am a strong woman, a strong person.  I will and have conquered so much in my life.  I have survived 3 emergency surgeries in my life, two of them in the last 3 years.  None of them were there good outcomes projected for me.  But I am here.  I sometimes wonder why, just to go through lots of emotional pain?  I don't know why.  Only the Universe and the Spiritual Higher Powers (if you believe in them) know.  I have so much that has happened to me that I have never shared or shared with very few.  And some of those that I have shared with have used that against me and abandoned and harmed me (present situation included).

I do not trust often anymore.  I have locked up my passionate heart tightly and am not willing to let it out.  I don't think I can trust anyone to the point that I don't go out, not that the people even ask me out anymore.  Since the ex left 6 years ago and mostly since he said he was divorcing me 2 years ago, I am apparently the plague.  I am not allowed to play in their rain dear games anymore.   I have been told by a couple of men that are my friends that I am so damaged now because of him, no sane and competent man would want to be with me.

So, I will apparently live single for the rest of my life and knowing my luck that will be another 55 years.  We shall see.

Today:
I reflect today on my lack of preparation to be a teacher by conventional University education. How I can conquer my deficiencies at my job so I may be offered a contract to stay, how can I heal my emotions and soul so I hopefully can love again.  That last one is doubtful.

Tomorrow is another day.