Today I had to pull over and cry a couple of times when driving. I just cried.
Late last night I found out a friend of mine tried to take her life. She did not succeed thank God, but she tried. She is doing much better now and will be in the hospital for a few days as is the routine. I told her husband, one of my best friends, that I understood completely how she could do it, how she felt. 5 weeks ago I could have if I did not have two teenagers to keep safe and care for. I really could have. I can't tell you why here, not yet, maybe never. But I understand how she felt. Mine is stress and depression and shock. Her's is from depression and coming off of a lot of medication too fast.
Her husband stopped by to give me an update on her tonight. She is doing better.
Last night the son was loading the dishwasher and I thought he had spilled water on the floor doing so. He did not. The plumbing under the kitchen sink came apart when the garbage disposal was turned on. Water everywhere under the sink, everywhere. Took 4 towels to sop it all up. I spent the next two hours putting in some new segments and making sure they were all tight. I may have to still put some sealing putty on a few of the connections but I think I did okay. Thank goodness I listened to my Grandmother Mary and always keep a dish pan under the pipes. It caught a lot of the water that came out of the broken pipes, but not all. That explains why I had to use 4 bath towels to sop up what was left. The son put everything back under the sink when it air dried out some.
I took my car in yesterday for an oil change and wow it needed work. Fluid leaking into the wheel hubs, a tire arm that was bad, and an alignment. Something else but I can't remember what it was. Thank goodness when I buy a new car I get the extended warranty. What could have been disastrous financially was bad but not too bad, $200. It just means that after that and paying the car and house payment we are broke till the husbands next pay day. The next oil change will require brakes and transmission fluid to be done. So I need to start stocking away some pennies after paying the bills.
I cried more tonight. I cried for my friend's hurt and I cried for my devastation. I cried for my children who have no clue.
I need to contact the surgeons office. I have been having some tightening feelings and sometimes pain where the last surgery was performed. I hope it is nothing. Oh and that spot that I thought was a scab in the incision, it wasn't. It was suture sticking out through the incision.
I think I have lost about 30 pounds between the surgery recoveries and the last 5 weeks. Not the best way to lose weight. I am weak most times and very shaky. My nerves are shot. And always a lump in my throat. Hard to eat in the mornings with out having a gag reflux. I have been able to eat about a half a serving of microwavable soup for lunch too. Dinner is hit and miss. But I make dinner every night for the kids. Sometimes I have to remind the son not to eat it all and save some for his sister when she gets home from work.
The oldest is having a good time with her boyfriend and her first semester of college. She also has a second little part time job. Good for her, now she will have about 20 hours a week till Christmas time when the mall gets hopping. I love it, she comes home almost every night and tells me what her day was like. Sometimes she wakes me up to tell me. I love it. It is hard to fall back a sleep and I may complain when I am really tired but I love it. We have a great relationship for a mother of 52 and daughter of 19. Yes we get on each others nerves sometimes, what parent and child does not. Sometimes she is so very grumpy and we fight. But she is great and she is my fave little girl!
The son, 16 is not passing school again or still. He has been getting worse over the last 3 years. He just does not have any motivation to do his school work. He is a great kid! He is transferring his depression into not doing his school work. He sees no point in it at all. He was bullied a lot in elementary and middle school and then something happened to our family his last year of middle school that effected him deeply. I have taken him to counseling and tried to get him out of his state over and over again, but nothing seems to work for him. I will keep trying and trying and trying.
I have tried taking the things that are important fun stuff from him to motivate him. But it does not phase him. I have put a time and site block on his computer, but he makes due. He is going to lose the data option on his cell phone though starting Monday. I have warned him this is going to happen. He is not happy. I don't know what else to do. His depression medications were upped too. I am having his teachers do a Vanderbilt study on him for ADD/ADHD possibilities. He goes to his NP next week and she needs that study. It looks like he will not graduate on time, may take an extra year if he can graduate at all. He is very smart, just does not see the use of school and can not get motivated about it. Makes me very sad for him and me.
I gladly and willingly wanted kids and WILL NOT trade them for anything but my own life. But I would like to get away. Just go. Just go do something I want to do with my life. Even though I don't even know what that is anymore. But I am a parent and I can not. Even when it was so rough I could only think of getting away I did not. They are my life.
Only my friends and neighbors here locally know how stressful it has been in recent to past 5 years. Only a few of them know the extent of all of it. It will stay that way. Some of my family does not know and when I have told them they don't want to listen and I have been told I am making it up. To stop being crazy or that I make them crazy and I need to just stop because I am an idiot. Nope, I have not been making it up. I have however needed so much help that I have been the bitch. I have been known to dramatize to get attention when I and seeking it because I need it to calm down, attention that is. But even with the over drama it is all true. But very few want to accept that or me.
I don't know how long I had been sick prior to the emergency surgery in March. It must have been a while and I must have been slowly poisoning my own body and not known it. After I was recovering from the surgery I started to feel a chemical and internal balance in my body that I had not felt is a very long time. Even with Peri-menopause symptoms I felt so much better. I am still having hives all over my body sometimes. Could be a reaction to the surgical anesthesia and/or the change of life. I break out where ever I am warmest at. One day two weeks ago I woke up and my whole body but my face was covered in the puffy hives. Scared my son so much. He asked if he should call 911. I took an antihistamine and relaxed and took a shower. It was gone in about an hour.
Oh showers are a new thing now with me being so stressed and weak. I have to be careful, I sometimes feel like I am going to pass out. But they feel so good to take one and not have to wrap a wound, or medical equipment or watch out for an incision. After the next surgery in 2014 my belly is going to look like a badly made river map. I don't mind though. I am alive, even with many days that I don't want to get out of bed and I want the depression and misery consume me, I am extremely happy I had a great surgeons and I am alive. Maybe some day in a couple of years I will feel that way everyday.
I did join an online support group website. People to talk to on line that don't know you and you don't know them. Better than Facebook, no one knows who you are. They are there simply to listen and share and give advice. I have read some pretty horrific stories and gotten some pretty nice support and encouragement. But it is not like having someone to hold you. But it is all I have for now.
Well internet thanks for carrying my message to the verse. And I pray the Creator will smile on my children and I and all of you.
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